Where the Fuck Am I Headed?

Before leaving the FLDS, I felt lonely. But honestly it got worse after I left. I enjoy time with my friends and family. I love playing pickle ball. I’ve read several good books. And I still ask myself, where the actual fuck am I headed? What am I doing?  Where am I going?

Sometimes I think I found the answer, only to be caught up again in the same train of thought, the same feelings of loneliness. It’s not that I don’t have someone to talk with or that I can’t have a good time. 

It is that I don’t know where the fuck I’m going. I’ve created a life plan, and want to build up a business. But my heart is pulling me somewhere and I’m trying to find where that is. No, my soul is pulling me somewhere. 

I grasp occasionally at the joy of feeling found, the mission I wish to be on. But I don’t know what it is, at least not yet. 

Or will I ever know? Will I find my treasure? Not a gold coin, not a diamond. No, my mission. A greater mission. Could it be an eternal mission?

Am I Loved?

I recently went to Refind You, a self improvement program. They had some music that touched my heart in a most joyful way. I felt, at least for small moments, like I was in heaven. 

I knew I was loved, at least for a moment. 

It is easy to hear people say they love you. But when you feel people really care, it matters. But I have found maybe I do not feel it because I don’t give it.

I find deep joy in the way Jesus lived. Is greater power obtained by giving than by the sword?

Or should we put on our armor and fight for ourselves? Rather than forgive, take great joy in wielding our strength to overcome those who put us down. 

Perhaps those who gain absolute power use both methods, giving while righteously, at least by propaganda, wielding the sword. 

What will I gain in life by giving? Or what will I loose by wielding my sword instead of giving love? Way too much?

Where the fuck am I going? And how should I get there?

Heading South

I love Zack Bryans song “Heading South”

“He was a boy who was a dreamer
And he flew so high and proud
In a world full of people out to cut his young ass down
No one ever understood a single word he said
And they cast him to the wolves when he wasn’t well and fed”

“Then he surely came to learn people come to watch you fall
But he’s out to make a name and a fool out of ’em all
They’ll never understand that boy and his kind
All they comprehend is a fucking dollar sign”

“Don’t stop goin’, goin’ South
They will understand the words
That are pouring from your mouth
Don’t stop goin’, goin’ South
‘Cause they’ll let you scream your music real damn loud”

I am in the Desert

No doubt the desert is uncomfortable. I can’t go back to the fleshpots of Egypt. Can I walk into the promised land? Do I even know where it is? 

Or am I to walk 40 years in the wilderness without a Moses or Joshua?

Or will I be my own prophet and find the promise land myself?

Where the fuck am I going? What is my mission? At the end of the day, we all are searching for our treasure. Have you found yours? When will I find mine? 

Certainly not by fucking giving up. It’s full send, we are going somewhere. Yes we are going somewhere. 

Or can we defy time and change our pace. Maybe we can go on a time journey with Einstein. 

We ain’t fucking stopping. All I know is I can take action on what I know is right. I can GIVE more love. I can RECEIVE the love I have been given. That’s where I’m fucking going! See you there. 

Thank you for reading! You may enjoy this article titled “What Is Our Life mission?“

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