Did you give your mother a little I Love You note today? A smile and a hug? A new car or house? Flowers?
Today I am looking back at my relationship with my mother, contemplating my inward bullshit, and recognizing that life is only fair to a warrior.
FLDS Culture
When I was a young boy, dad often told us to shake hands and say, “I love you brother.” But we couldn’t do it. O we did it for the sake of obedience. It was not genuine at all.
As a young boy I loved my mother so much. I was totally authentic. But as I grew 10 years old, it was way to embarrassing to say “I love you mother,” at least in front of anyone.
I am trying to figure out why. Dad encouraged us to say I love you. So did the mothers.
I think every aspect of emotion were so controlled that to feel any seemed wrong. So to say it without ever feeling it was weird.
Giving a hug because you felt a close bond was never something I did. That was “the devils enthusiasm.” It seems like any handshakes or hugs we did have were just to go through the motions.
Taking a compliment was also unacceptable. If someone said, “Hey, you are amazing! Thank you” the correct response was “Heavenly Father helped me.” And because that was embarrassing we just settled for “Nah I didn’t do nothing.” Or “O your the awesome one.”
If you were Warren Jeffs wife, the correct response was “Warren is amazing.” Just something I noticed.
Sorry Mother, FLDS Comes First
I watched mother being sent away for not being good enough. And she watched me be sent away sometimes too.
The crazy part about this is my mother was the one that taught me nothing, not even her, stand between me and my dad.
She genuinely believed that. In fact, when I heard she was a “forever no member,” I sided with my dad, was 100% loyal to “God.” Sounds terrible right?
Not to mention the absolute torture the next week was for me, but that is a story for another time. Because that was probably one of the worst experiences I ever had.
I don’t need any “O, I am so sorry for what you went through.” Stop the shit. No you are not. Keep on doing you.
I tell the stories because it helps me heal and see things better. And there is a lesson to be learned. Not because I need any sorries.
Sorries are cool, but 99.9% are bs. And that hurts even worse.
Being Authentic
Why is it that whenever I am in a situation where I am obliged to give love, to do something kind, I shy away. I don’t want to. It feels “awkward.”
I am getting way better at being authentic.
It was so hard to be genuine after I left the FLDS. To Tell my mother I love her when I wanted to. Or brother. Or sister.
It took me an entire week to grow the nerve to give mother a hug.
The only reason I got myself to was by contemplating death, and my regrets if I kept “feeling stupid” about giving my mother a hug.
Even still my mouth freezes at times when I go to give a compliment. The stupidity and embarrassment of it comes all over me and enters every portion of my soul. When I have that feeling I would prefer loafing in my bedroom than ever giving a compliment, or taking one.
And at the same time, every part of my authentic self decries against not being able to be genuine. It’s just too lonely.
These two parts within have war and whatever one makes me feel worse, wins. But now I can see the bs, and I am trying to snap out of those odd moments and recognize I have a life to live.
Loyalty Is Beautiful Until It Isn’t
I have never seen loyalty like I have in the FLDS.
But it didn’t end up too well. It is awesome seeing someone loyal to another. But it becomes another story when that loyalty is used against you.
The truth is, dad threw most his wives under the bus. If they don’t realize it now, they will in time. He also probably believes he is just being loyal to God when he sends them to repent and fight to survive in the world.
The reality is, mothers loyalty to dad was why he was able to hurt her so bad. My loyalty is why I could get hurt.
You Have To Be A Warrior
If you want to have mothers day, if you want to write that I love you note, buy gifts and enjoy memories, you have to be a warrior. If not, someone will take it away. Maybe just because they can. Or perhaps because they believe that is Gods will.
Be a warrior. Emotionally. Spiritually. Physically. If you can be taken advantage of, you probably will be. Just plain true in the world today. Always has been. Certainly does not appear to be changing.
So go fight. Fight for your mother, fight for your family, at least if they treat you well, fight for your wife or girl if you have one. And don’t stand by and hope for the best. God is not coming to save you or anyone. That is why you are here, to save yourself. Go be a WARRIOR!
Thank you for reading! You would also enjoy this article titled “Inside the fascinating mind of Warren Jeffs“
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