Dark Days: When Killing Seems Like The Answer

Man, sometimes I have dark feelings. And I know you do too.

Love is good, but darkness is far more extreme. Love is blind and darkness more.

Today I am going to talk about some personal struggles with darkness.

Do you want to be a virgin forever or try out sex? Do you want to stay innocent or dare you grope into the dark?

Perhaps then you can have peace.

Try Being Evil

One night I was feeling terrible loneliness, depression, and sadness. I drove over to Wendy’s and bought myself some dinner. Then I drove around town for awhile.

I parked in a mostly empty parking lot, and I started asking myself why I felt the way I did.

But the darkness only got worse. It was the weekend. I had pushed this feeling down all week and it all came flooding to the surface.

My Wendy’s meal slowly disappeared into my stomach as I sat processing how to improve my life. How to improve my feelings.

But I got disturbed. I let my dark side take over a bit too much.

So I had a thought. How about some free Wendy’s?

What would that actually take?

Just a threat? A gun? Some acrobatics?

My heart started pumping. I felt better. Threw the truck in drive and headed towards Wendy’s.

I arrived just past midnight and it was closed.

Next Option

I had felt this so many times, and never had I got it solved. I asked myself, “can’t you just go to bed?”

But I couldn’t. I told myself that I was a coward who didn’t dare confront people.

Someone that couldn’t follow through.

I pulled out my pistol. Slid a bullet in. I thought about all the scenarios that could have happened if Wendy’s was still open. I pulled up to the window and asked myself how calm I could have stayed.

Or would I have chickened out and picked up my credit card?

I decided to drive around awhile and see what else was open. I sorta felt defeated.

The Peak Is Gone

I hit the freeway and drove about 10 miles.

Reflector posts have an effect. I started thinking harder and told myself, “you would have never done that, you know you wouldn’t have.”

“Or wouldn’t have you?”

After about ten miles I started feeling tears run down from my eyes. Occasionally I had to wipe them to keep my vision clear.

As I pulled into a gas station and my tears were gone. I started laughing a little as I double checked to see if I was real or just in a simulation.

I went in, grabbed some jerky and a drink. My feelings had subsided but I could not help but wonder what the two cashiers would do if I pulled a gun.

They were particularly kind. Why, why are they so kind. I did not think of it at the time but maybe my eyes were a bit red.

I want to tell this because I believe that if you can fight through your darkest moment, then relief will come.

Although I did not totally win here, I still won because I didn’t do anything stupid.

And I learned some valuable lessons.

Darkness Always Has A Cause

Even if you don’t know what it is. There is a reason criminals do what they do.

My perspective has really changed on criminals and even my own dad because of some of these dark moments.

At the end of the day, you have to treat others right or suffer the consequences. I have fought through multiple dark periods and remembered that.

This time and a few others I have almost forgot what I believe is the most important thing to remember: No matter how you feel, don’t hurt an innocent person.

We need to remember people really are mostly good. They want to do good.

If someone is really struggling with dark periods, only they can deal with it. But what we can do is remember that a kind word and a sincere smile or heartfelt appreciation expressed can change the coarse of history.

Here Is How To Deal With Dark Moments

Here are some things that help if you have super dark moments:

• Go somewhere alone, preferably the forest, and say every bad thing you need to out loud. Act things out if you need to. Then try to feel grateful for at least one thing. Absorb natures peace and fill your soul with it.
• Walk into any store and say something really nice to the cashier at checkout. Look them in the eyes. If it is a girl ask for her number and if she says no then say something like: You really ruined my day. The reason why is because it will help you not internalize any more anger or darkness than you already have.
• Go run two miles and think about the consequences of hurting others and how you would feel if they did it to you. Running is literally therapy that actually works.
• If you have someone you trust, call them and tell them you are trying to get over a dark moment and ask them to listen. Try to make sure this is not too often or people get tired of it. In that case try some of the other things. Personally I don’t like to do this unless I feel really bad. I think maybe once a year or less for me. If you do it only when you really need, it will be much more effective.

Conclusion

In dark moments fight. No one knows your struggle, your anger. No one knows how bad it really feels. Fight with everything you have until you win.

Take action. These things can get terrible if you don’t. Get up and go somewhere, preferably where no one is. Do whatever you need to until it passes.

Usually the moments of joy after these dark periods are unbelievably satisfying and I usually shed some tears. There is a good chance you can’t do what you need to if you aren’t alone.

Find what works best for you.

For people that this will help, you know what I am talking about.

In the past I would go several months with nothing, and then have a month or two where it is extremely bad.

I am completely over it now lol. So don’t be thinking I have any problems.

I know other people deal with these things. And I want them to know that they are not the only one.

If you fight long enough, light will come. And unbelievable light too. You will feel ecstatic.

For me personally this also has to do a lot with my mental exertion. I am sure it is different for everyone.

Also thank you for not judging me as terrible. Most people just know me as a saint and I am one lol.

I wrote this for others who could be struggling. Life is a single player game. Play your best!

Thank you for reading! You would also enjoy this article titled: A Boys Struggle With The Devil

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