What the hell were you doing when you were 8 years old? I was laughing about something, saying a smart remark, or being sincere in my prayers like God actually was listening. And I am not saying he wasn’t. I did some bs but was mostly a god of a kid. This is my story of the 2008 Texas raid and my feelings throughout.
You know what I love about publishing my own blog? I can say whatever the fuck I want and nobody can do anything about it! Including swearing a little, which is meant to scare some people away.
I have written two other articles about my childhood, you can read them here: My Early Childhood Age 1-5, My Childhood Age 5-8: Texas, Baptism, And Dad Goes To Jail.
Let Me Rant
When I sit down and start writing, I have some frustrations within and I gotta get them out without blurring them into my story too much. So if you can’t handle them then skip ahead like a little bitch.
You know how much I love common sense? An absolute ton. Sure, I don’t always act like it but looking back on these days I wanna knock some sense into some mother fuckers.
I used to actually believe that I was young and it was best to let the adults decide some shit with their wisdom. Looking back I was totally wrong. I absolutely should of decided everything and yes I would have made better decisions in a lot of dumb ass weird circumstances only brought about by dumb ass tunnel closed religious vision zoomed in way too far up the devils ass.
God, you know what I hate, absolutely hate about religion? It can make you so dang stupid with your decisions in relation to reality. Truly stunning.
And you know what I love about religion. The exact same thing. It can be such an important purpose that everything else becomes an extension of it.
Sound contradictory? Good. Because I have two parts in me, one loves it, one hates it. And together we shall fight.
With the goal of not becoming one of those dumb ass loser guys that has all the wrong premise around all the most important decisions.
Let The Rant Continue
Again, skip ahead if your life is perfect and you can’t handle any swearing and shit.
It is just crazy to me how much the wiring in my brain has had to get remodeled due to the wrong premise of all the adults worshipping an imaginary god.
Think about it, we were trying to navigate this raid by the government, making all these decisions based only on what this god wanted.
And apparently this god don’t give a shit about our finances, our relation to reality, and all the other totally obvious things rational people that are not sucking the dick of an imaginary God that they think is filling them with the holy spirit because they are doing the super irrational things he tells them to do.
I love God. Not this imaginary one that the FLDS leaders, including my pedophile dad and the other guys that married 14 year olds.
If you are one of those men I do understand the pressure. I also understand that most people in a similar situation would of done the same thing.
I have enjoyed my fair share of the imaginary but o so real god too. Hey maybe we were talking to the real one part time.
Let My Rant Continue
If I ever inherit a church of faithful followers I just pray to God that I am not so far up his ass that I proceed to absolutely demolish everything and everyone including myself.
Why did this raid happen? Let’s be completely honest: Because dad was’t within reality enough to foresee what his enemies and governments could and would do. He also totally assumed that super awesome, miracle popin God would have stopped them.
Look, I am glad the raid happened.
If for nothing else, just so my 9 year old mind could see outside the vail of the FLDS.
Impossible To Be Good Enough
I was trying so hard to be good. To please this God that was filling me with his spirit and helping me obey my pedophile dad perfectly only to never quite satisfy him because of coarse only a 12 year old girl and her dad could do that.
You probably think I am just joking and playing about it but I am not. It is real and I just can’t hardly believe it to be honest.
Like, was there not another path to take that would have been a bit more cool??
No actually, there wasn’t. I know the feelings that the holy spirit brought to my dad and they are pretty powerful.
People think they were from the devil. But what I am trying to tell you is that if you enter another dimension you can have those same feelings that I have heard numerous people describe as the “holy spirit” and be a pedophile. And I know that is true.
I just can’t believe all the bad decisions that were made by my dad entering this other dimension. And most people don’t think he was actually being led by anything but if you ask me I disagree.
“He was being led by the devil”. Look dude, I get your point. But I am saying that you might not understand this dimension and spirit my dad was being led by.
But enough on that.
Here Is Why I Am Frustrated
Well, I sat down to write this story and started asking why we made so many lame decisions in the raid. Then I started realizing the raid happened because of all the bad decisions before that. And then remembering that my dad was totally in another dimension and was totally on another planet in his reality, doing other things and disregarding reality.
And now I am just trying to learn the lessons from it all and not repeat some big mistakes. I don’t blame my dad or everyone else for my current position. In fact, I appreciate and am grateful for all my experiences and really think I can capitalize on understanding some of the mistakes that were made.
Because after coming away from the FLDS, I recognized something about my dad. He really never had a chance to set this straight. Yet he is 100% responsible for it all.
Now being a pedophile is his biggest problem but I don’t know how tied in with the spiritual world it actually is.
If you are too carried away in your fantasy land that you prophesied would come about like dad prophesied about all the persecution he would receive, then all the shit hitting the fan further confirms your fantasy land until you have no chance at all of seeing the world correctly. Got it?
Now I can actually tell the story without having my logic extremely disturbed by irrational decisions.
The 2008 Raid Begins
I got out of school, 4th grade, at 2:45pm. I finally scored enough points to go help the men and was helping Lehi Jeffs fix our deck.
In other words, I did not have to spend that afternoon getting tended by one of the mothers.
That was the culture among us boys. There was absolutely nothing great about being with the moms and sweeping sidewalks under Stell’s nose.
Because it turns out the men didn’t correct you for the tiniest thing like not responding to them like they were your big boss. Minus a few of them.
If you intend to marry 80 wives then don’t let half of them lack a life so much that they correct your kids for the tiniest things.
Okay, so U Bob drives by and tells Lehi there is police at the gate and all the women and children should get home.
This Is Exciting
This was exciting. Do you think I genuinely wanted this to just be over? Of coarse not. There were police at the gate. No one said they wanted some excitement out loud. But if was to guess then at least half the people on the land were like yeah some shit is going down, at least we have a break.
Think about it. These women are all cooking, praying and sewing precisely as they are told with not a ton of freedom to make decisions of their own. The men are working their ass off to meet imaginary deadlines and hardly have any spare time. The children don’t get to play and they all are working just to stay busy partially.
It’s a break. And exciting. If you don’t get to watch movies at least you can watch them in real life. Yes we were scared. It is not like it changed our faith in the short term. We just needed a break.
It Gets Real
I did not eat much dinner, I was too interested in what was going on. Dude I was 8. Who gives a shit about if I ate dinner.
Uncle Isaac came over and talked to the family. We sang some songs.
Us younger boys did not get to go outside and scour the place like the older boys. But we watched from the window until 11pm. The police and CPS were down at the meeting house questioning the girls.
We got up at 3am and kept watching. These cops were not going away. Pretty soon there were hundreds of police and other agency cars. When I saw that armored personnel carrier that looks like a tank I was actually scared. It was parked in the meetinghouse parking lot.
By 3-4pm the police were coming over to our house. They banged on the doors until Mother Millie opened up the door. They pointed their rifles at her, but hell I would have too if I was heading in Warren Jeffs home with their perspective. I think she handled it well enough.
Time To Go
We were all in the living room singing until they came in. It is kinda funny we were all singing. Next time someone comes to raid me I probably would not recommend singing a hymn but I get it, what else could we do. Probably sorta scared the police as they come in and we are singing these monotonous hymns like the end of the world vibe.
A CPS lady got up and said they wanted to take the kids and the mothers could come if they wanted.
By 5 or so we were walking out to the buses. I was shocked. I did not really expect this to involve me in any way. Mother was not there because she had gone to Kingman, Arizona to see dad in prison. So mother Kate came with me.
A Glimpse Into The World
Having been sheltered my whole life, I did not comprehend the world outside the gates of our community. So I was super interested and learning a lot.
As we drove off the land we sang some more hymns. Probably put the fear of God into the bus driver. Now that’s not his typical country music.
When we got to the civic center in Eldorado it felt like it took an hour to unload. It was a big empty building.
They brought dinner. I thought we were going back that night but by 11pm we were all settled down and sleeping on cots. I remember acting sad we couldn’t go back but I actually wasn’t. It was adventurous. That’s why.
The next day they brought toys. I was loving them although I did not act like it because I was afraid of what mother Kate and others would think.
Go Play!
We went into another room for awhile to play. This was the first time in my life I was told I could play. Maybe that’s good or bad but I enjoyed it.
CPS was questioning all the children. They brought me in and asked who my mom and dad was and some other simple questions. I don’t even remember what I said. I was probably thinking harder about how odd they were dressed. Jeans and shorts with fat arms and funny elbows. I really remember staring at the back of their elbows when their arms were straight.
I remember thinking that I didn’t want my legs to look that big when I sat down. Big massive legs that covered the whole chair.
I thought FLDS elbows looked better. Because I didn’t know they were the exact same until I thought about it. Minus the sun burn. We had whitest arms on earth. That’s for sure. Long johns will do that for you. Keeping it spicy and white down there in Texas.
Texas Officials Broke Into The Temple
We were told that if they did, we would be rejected by God and he would use the 10 tribes or some Indians hiding in the Amazon to redeem Zion.
They broke in. I acted sad and the mood of everyone else made me sad. But I felt nothing basically. I had no emotional or spiritual bond to the temple. Just fear of it being rejected. 3 days later I totally had forgotten about it.
Another dumb situation where we could never be good enough and thought we were being rejected by God himself. You know that guy in the clouds that did absolutely nothing to us after they broke in. Yeah, that guy.
It is such a stupid way to live when you can never succeed. Dad set those boundaries and it was impossible to succeed because the goal posts kept moving.
That is the number one thing I don’t like about my childhood. Success was continually impossible.
Fort Concho
They put us all on buses and shipped us over to Fort Concho, an hour away from Eldorado, where we stayed for one week.
Mother was not with us. I was distraught about seeing her again. I never once was glad I was away from my own mother throughout the raid. It was boring at Fort Concho.
I wrote this back in 2009:
“While we were here they gave us a paper to write down whatever we need and they would go and get it from the store . I didn’t have a watch and I needed one so we wrote it down and I got it the next day. I ended up not liking it at all because it was bright orange. While here at the forts I stayed around Ammon and M. Kate kept a good eye on me. I went and got my medical exam with Mother Kate. I kept a journal while at the forts and then I got sick of it.
These few days we were just hanging out, it seemed like, and we just played and ate and ate. We sang to the big boys (across the field)one day after they sang to us. More things happened than I say but I don’t remember everything.”
Totally boring but also exciting.
Getting Separated From Parents
I had some spice in me, but it never had the opportunity to show until I was away from such strict supervision by the mothers. As we got separated then I began to see who I really was. And it wasn’t just a mini saint.
Mother Kate was acting as my mother since we had left the ranch, and they had not let my mother in to be with us.
I wrote this in 2009:
“So we all loaded on the buses and I saw a big fat lady getting in with some papers. This lady came in the bus and read us this paper that said that if a mother had children 5 or younger, her and all her children need to go to the Coliseum and if a mother had Children 6 or older then they needed to go to the pavilion. So we went on our way. Here goes the cops, the buses, and the ambo’s, all for safety.”
I specifically remember this fat lady going in one isle and then the next to get 3 rows down the bus. It was really funny!
Arriving At The Pavilion
Looking at this big brown building, I sat there quietly. We had been on the bus for hours as CPS was working to get each person where they wanted them.
Almost everyone had left the bus, one mother with her children at a time. I had a moment of reflection sitting there. I thought of my father and wondered what my future would be like. Perhaps what caused this odd feeling within me was that M Kate was unusually quiet. I don’t remember what she said if she said anything.
But in that moment I no longer felt any friction or obligation to do just right. I felt an unusual sense of closeness with her that I had never felt before.
Time To Be Separated
Finally, Mother Kate was called. We got up and entered this enormous building. As I looked to my left just after entering the door I saw a row of cots standing on end.
One flips down and some children holler “They are separating you!”
As we approached the officers and CPS lady, they explained to M Kate that they needed to talk to the mothers for half hour and then we could be joined together again.
It took about 5 minutes of explaining. I followed M Kate as far as they would let me. As they opened the door I saw into the adjoining room where multiple mothers were sitting there on some benches, crying.
An officer put his arm out in front of me. I was not scared at all. In fact, I expected it. But I just wanted to see if he was actually going to stop me. I had been talking with these officers for days at Fort Concho along with the other boys.
Separated. Now What?
As I turned around, no specific feeling was going through me. No sadness. No happiness. Only reflection on why I followed M Kate.
As Mother Kate walked away, she turned around and said something like, “You will have to stay.” But I specifically remember the look on her face. I think that hope had gotten the best of her for a moment and she really thought it was going to only be a few minutes, until she saw the door open where all the other mothers were.
All the screaming I heard from little children was blocked out by my reflection. I understood in that moment that I was actually a bit happy and I was scolding myself for it. Not because of M Kate particularly, but I just needed a break.
I had followed M Kate that 10 feet before the officer stopped me for only one reason: I was scared that she would think I wanted to be separated.
If this had been my own mother I imagine I would have been in tears. As I approached the other children, I saw many of them crying.
I wanted to cry with them, but I couldn’t.
I wrote this in 2009:
“While the separating was happening myself and many of the children were crying or at least had a sad face on. But to me I guess the reality of it hadn’t awakened because I thought everything would be just fine or I guess I could say that the thought never entered my mind that we wouldn’t see our mothers again. The gentiles would try to comfort us but would really make it worse and I remember it touched some hearts.
After all the separating was done then you could see a sad look on everyone. They took all of those cots down and made so we could sleep on them and put a divider between us and the girls which was right. They lined us all up and as we came through they would ask us our name and birthday if I remember right and then print it out and then put a little tag of it around our wrist. That night mine came off and lots of the other boys took theirs off too.”
At The Pavilion
No mothers? Nice! That was always the way to go. Well, except sometimes.
As children we banded together pretty quickly.
Teresa was the boss. She was our oldest sister there and told everyone what to do. But she wasn’t a mother, just a sister. I mean she got married at 15. But honestly she was no mother. Way nicer of a 16 year old sister than any of those mothers. Less strict to be specific.
Some of the boys mocked the toys they brought us, including me. But I wanted to try them out. And so did everyone else.
It didn’t take long. Before too long we all had toys.
They brought remote control cars. I was absolutely thrilled.
We could down all the cereal we wanted. No mothers. At the ranch we constantly felt like we were being controlled and micro managed by so many mothers.
Understand that just because we did not like the mothers does not mean we took to these “gentiles”.
Some were nice and good people. But we constantly were looking for ways to do something smart or even mean to them.
At the doors there were CPS guards. There was a staff member for every 2 children. You couldn’t go outside unless you were with your staff.
What Should I Be Thinking?
Nights were my worse time. I was 8 years old and occasionally still wet the bed which was super embarrassing.
But nights brought about strange feelings for me. All the constant training and literally every minute being told to do dishes or wind up hoses or read from the priesthood articles was gone. Completely gone.
Those mothers were gone. But one person occasionally brought tears to my eyes. I just wondered if mother was going to be okay. It had been about 30 days since I had seen her because she had left a few days before the raid.
With all the chaos, my feelings and mind had a chance of reflection at night. I did not like to go to sleep. And when everything settled down it just felt so weird. What am I doing here? Should I be happy or sad? What is the world really like? Do I have to think like everyone else? Do I have to continue to really want to go back to that really strict life?
And are these thoughts a big sin for me to think? I figured they were. I told myself that I have to want to do what father wanted me to.
Even though I was 8, it was all so weird. I just was trying to make sense of what the word outside of our community was like and why God allowed them to be that way. Why are some so fat and why are some so nice?
But they are all ugly. That is what I thought after growing up where everyone is always dressed. I didn’t get the jeans appeal on the ladies. Too young!
From The Pavilion To Cal Farleys Boys Ranch
When I woke up that morning on April 31, another day of eating cereal and driving remote control cars seemed imminent. The sun was shining and life was getting interesting.
My mannerisms had become kind to some staff, and extremely rude to others.
But CPS was busy that morning. Something was going to happen. Something surreal.
As the days had gone by, the big girls had come up with a plan that if they tried to separate the children the oldest girls would stand in a circle, arms locked, around all the children.
The signal came from the girls. I dashed over to the circle. Then I remembered I was responsible for making sure my younger brother Samuel was in there.
I went over where Samuel was driving a dump truck. I was disgusted, told him the gentiles were trying to separate us and he is over here driving a dump truck? Damn bro, an 8 year old all upset at a 5 year old.
I got Samuel over there. The noise slowly increased to where every person was talking over the other. All the younger children were in the circle as the big girls locked arms around them.
Police began entering the room by increasing numbers. It was time for a stand off.
Chaos Time
The staff member that was over me, who I got to be pretty good friends with came over and tried getting me to go, to which I shouted, “Go to hell.”
As the chaos ramped up, the girls said that Becky Wall had walked in with David Doran, who we considered our worst enemy. I looked at them and could only image the evil in that woman’s heart.
Police and CPS entirely surrounded the circle. They had buses outside waiting. Everyone was yelling as the officers tried to break open the circle.
All the sudden one of the girls started saying a prayer out loud. Everyone went quite including the officers. She prayed God would protect us and keep us together.
When she finished that prayer, the chaos slowly built up again.
My staff person came over and reached between two of the girls and grabbed my sleeve and began pulling me. I yelled at the top of my lungs as I felt myself almost going out of the circle. Numerous other staff were pulling on other children and the girls were yelling as all the children were clinging onto each other.
For me this was not like when we were separated before. I thought I was going to a foster home and would never see my siblings again. I was terrified and ready to fight. We yelled and hollered and fought.
I want to say we were in the circle for 2 hours or longer, but I really am not sure.
We Gave Up
Finally Teresa said to just do what they said. They told her that if she did not comply the police would come separate all the girls, which was definitely a losing battle.
They told her all the boys were going to be with Ammon but we did not believe them for a long time.
Our staff had already gathered our belongings. As we separated, I just felt such a lonesome feeling. I was leaving 4 full siblings, Barbara, Sienna, Jaska, and Monica. When I put my feet on the bus, I remembered the last time I had been on a bus and wondered if it was my fault we got separated after all.
We rode 7 hours. Texas farmland is about all there was across the miles. Tails of the good times we would have riding horses and fishing were music to my ears.
We drove up. A whole bunch of the boys ran over to meet us. I was a little bit scared because I didn’t know if some of the older ones were going to love me or hate me.
As we got out of the bus we were greeted warmly and I saw several of my older brothers who were kind and helped us gather up our stuff and haul it inside.
Cal Farleys Boys Ranch
It had been a long day, but I was dying to do some fishing. I walked up with my brother Raymond to the ponds. I don’t know what was on his mind, but fishing was on mine.
And riding horses. The good times they told us about in that bus were unimaginable to me.
The older boys took all our toys and crushed them, so we joined in and helped them. I was just fine with that other than the remote control cars.
Ammon assigned us all an older brother to check in with. We went over the rules and ate dinner.
I lived in a room with Ammon, Jake, Joseph, William, Samuel, and Seth, all brothers. And that is how we lived for the next month.
Activities And Fun
I guess they were not lying about the horse riding and fishing. We all got our own tackle box and a fishing pole. We could fish from early morning until night.
Horse riding was a bit different. They set certain days and we all would go on a horse ride. Dad did not let us be around horses much so to me this was pretty exciting stuff. Same with the fishing.
One day Ammon told us to go string a hose across the field. We played get the flag and games became our new past time. I loved games and I still do!
At any rate, this was so much better than the pavilion that we had just fought like hell to not leave.
The days went by slowly.
We caught catfish and trout out of the ponds, but mostly catfish.
Mother Came!
CPS finally allowed visits. Mother came twice. The first time she brought me a card with a picture of her and a saying on it. When I got back from the visit I cried.
I still have it today. It always reminds me of that day.
I began to realize how much I really needed a mother to take care of my needs and emotional support. I was tough but not that tough.
At my second visit mother brought a new pair of shoes and home-made ice cream! I did not like how my new shoes were white. That was an ungrateful thing but I think mother understood.
I made my way back to the houses. The mothers were driven past by the CEO of the ranch. I was terrified that the boys were not going to like the ice cream. But they did like it and it got gone.
I was ready to go home. I did not understand the court situation. But it was time and I really wanted to go.
Mother took a video of me saying hi so she could go show it to the girls. I could hardly do it. I was so shy. People don’t think I was a shy boy but they just don’t know!
Food And Living
“We are going to have a big fish fry” said one of the texan staff. I was really looking forward to this.
When the boys had caught enough fish, they got out the big pans. Everyone came and they deep fried that catfish.
The older boys said it was “disgusting”. I think they were right.
But I really enjoyed the fish. I thought it was delicious, and I ate my fair share.
Every morning the staff cooked us some bacon and eggs. The food was not the best, but not the worst either.
Going Home!!
When I got up that morning, everything was normal. Fishing, horse back riding, and playing games had lost their shiny allure. They were fun but it was time to go.
All the boys were ready. We wanted out and we got out!
Terry Cooper, the house manager came driving down the road honking the whole way. “We get to go home.” All the boys were scurrying about.
The Texas supreme court had ruled we could head home. I was excited as can be. Most of my brothers left before me.
Mother went over to South Eastern Texas to pick up my sisters first. So by the time I left there was only about 20 boys still there.
When mother came she had all my sisters with her. I have this picture of my youngest sibling and she is so dazzling cute I had to put it in right here!
You Did Good Kiddo
My brain had processed a ton of information over April and May. But looking back I am so grateful for the experience because it helped me start asking questions and set me up for tougher experiences down the road when I was old enough to decide for myself!
And that is a wrap on my story of the raid!
Thank you to all the people who worked hard to help us get through that tough period. Even with all my frustrations today, I recognize that so much sacrifice was put in for us from the community of the FLDS people.
Thank you most of all to my mother for her tireless efforts to help me in and after those troubling times.
You can read other articles about my childhood here.
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