Texas was rumbling along, and so was I.

10 years old, and getting smarter.

If you didn’t read my previous story titled My Childhood Age 9: Texas Raid, it might be good to read that first. This picks up directly after the raid.

Mother had picked me up from Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch down near Amarillo, Texas.

We drove up to a rented fourplex in San Antonio, Texas.

It had a 20-by-40-yard lot, a small garage, and that was about it. Thankfully, we weren’t in hiding or anything like that.

CPS wanted to see that the mothers could take care of their children, and so Mother had to get a job.

The days went by pretty slow. I will never forget the vibe of Mother’s Windstar van.

It ran pretty well, but it had a feeling I kinda liked. The feeling of leaving home.

The feeling of going. Not anywhere in particular, but I liked the vibe of leaving just about anywhere.

The Texas Summer

We arrived in San Antonio in June and were there for about a year. It seems like we traveled to the Ranch in eldorado every couple of weeks.

They were trying to get us back home.

The summer was hot. And I was most certainly still wearing long underwear and long-sleeve shirts.

But that wasn’t what bothered me. I hadn’t tried wearing anything different. And I didn’t really want to.

But my thoughts settled in more now than they ever had in life.

I didn’t have to work constantly like I did before the raid happened. I wasn’t celebrating that. To be honest, I don’t even remember thinking about it too much.

When I think back on this time, I just know that I gained an insane amount of self-confidence through this period.

Before, I always felt like I couldn’t quite do right. I always felt the need to hurry constantly. My brain never had a break.

But I had been sitting for a while. The raid happened two months ago, and ever since, it seemed like no one was telling me what to do.

My mind started thinking deeper about everything.

San Antonio was different because I had space and time away from anyone who put much pressure on me.

Mother

Since I was 3, I had spent very few full days with Mother.

And God only knows how much I loved her.

As hard as the raid was on everyone, I can say that it did bring me back to Mother.

Sure, I would have otherwise had times seeing her often. But it was just different living with her every day, going shopping with her, and all that.

I never wondered if Mother loved me. And I still don’t have to. I think part of that comes because we were both in it together. Meaning she wasn’t down my neck very often.

Usually, when one of the other mothers was giving me a punishment, Mother sorta delivered me to a degree.

I started processing every aspect of the world. It got to the point that people telling me what to do had little bearing on my thought process.

Every day I had a few hours to think. I also played around too.

And got in that Windstar van and drove places with Mother or whoever was doing the most exciting thing.

Dad’s wife Coleen was living with us. But she was not like the caretakers I had had before. Ammon was there fairly often and was pretty chill about everything.

Mother was telling me what to do more than Coleen was. But Coleen was a fun person. She often told us stories.

The raid had just happened, and nobody was being very strict at all. Everything was just a big mess for the adults. But for me, it was just peaceful as ever.

SeaWorld

It’s hard to state just how much my thinking changed during this time.

Before, I was quiet, obedient, and trying so extremely hard to be good enough. And I mean, giving everything I had.

You should ask some of those mothers that were over me before the raid. They know I gave my all to be a good kid.

So now, for 3 months, no one was down my neck at all. Sure, there were times.

But San Antonio was different because I was with my family and there wasn’t much pressure.

And we went to SeaWorld. Yeah, that’s right. I loved every single second of it. And then some.

The women walking around me in full prairie dresses, or me being fully clothed a few times over, meant absolutely nothing to me. I didn’t suffer any negative thoughts from it.

My entire mind was absolutely focused on what I was seeing at SeaWorld.

Particularly, I remember a show this guy did with a walrus. And I could not stop being amazed at how fat it was.

He had this cowboy hat on and was doing a show. The way the walrus moved also made me laugh hysterically.

Authenticity

That’s exactly what I had been missing. Never had I really had a time when I wasn’t focused on what other people thought about me.

And at SeaWorld, I entirely forgot about anyone at all. I was being 100% authentic.

No show. No worries about what people thought. Pure authenticity. And to this day, there is nothing I value more.

I didn’t recognize it at the time. And those moments were not too often. But SeaWorld was one of them. I totally forgot everything but what I was watching.

I remember the mothers telling us to not look at the nakedness. You know, everyone walking around in a brah or with their shirt off. But those words went directly out my ear.

I wasn’t focused on anyone. I didn’t think anything other than the animals. I mean my mind was blown.

Since leaving the FLDS, I have come to the conclusion that what humans value most is the ability to express feelings to each other in pure authenticity.

That’s why falling in love is so powerful. But in my opinion, most adults shield themselves in every way.

Occasionally, I see it in people, and I think it’s extremely beautiful. Those are the people with a sparkle in their eyes.

In my case, I struggle with it severely. Which is why I am not real close with anyone. And so I write instead lol.

Mother Nette’s House

For me, life was pretty good in San Antonio.

We would drive over to Mother Nett’s house in New Braunfels. It was a nice house with some acreage.

I would catch up with my brothers and we would play games.

But I also didn’t have much pressure because, at the end of the day, I was just jumping in Mother’s Windstar van and going home.

This year we spent in San Antonio was so, so good for my self-confidence.

I highly doubt without this period after the raid I would be writing this right now. I just would not have the self-confidence.

This is also the time I picked up saying what I wanted to people.

I was still shy. But many times, I was into a thought process or focused on something else, and I’d totally forget the “appropriate” thing to do or say. So I would just say exactly what I thought.

School

One day we were over at Aunt Esther’s house. There was a cooler full of beer. So we got a few cans out, shook them up, and started throwing rocks at them.

Lewis Nielson happened to own the beer, and we got a serious chase down.

The good news is 3 days later, he felt bad and took us all over to McDonald’s for an ice cream cone.

But we did school through the winter, and were not always exactly focused. But we didn’t even get through a year before we left if I remember right.

Non-Suited

Mothers and their children were slowly heading back to the ranch in Eldorado.

Our case was one of the last. I was pretty happy when Mother told me we got to go.

San Antonio helped me gain something I really needed: Authenticity. Self-confidence. And the ability to say what I thought.

Thank you for reading! My next article about my childhood will be a little more complex. It is just harder to write the ones that really make me remember everything. It will be a few weeks but I am already working on it.

But I will keep on writing every week on a topic I enjoy.

Did you hear the good news? I started a podcast! Check it out here.

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That monster truck pushing forward, and the skeletal hand reaching up?
It’s about the grip the world can have on you—the pull of things we want, even when they might drag us down.

We chase them anyway.
Because the ride is worth it. Or is it?

That’s what this hoodie is.
A reminder to push forward—knowing the cost—and doing it anyway.

So, if that speaks to you, or if you just think it looks badass—
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Wear the drive. Feel the grip. Keep moving.

You would also enjoy this article titled: Fathers Day: A Farewell Gift

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