SALT LAKE CITY, UT – In a revelation that has left scholars, dermatologists, and a deeply confused Relief Society buzzing, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) has officially announced “Thong Saturday”—a bold new initiative aimed at combating widespread Vitamin D deficiency among the Saints.

The decision follows a six-month Brigham Young University study that found 87% of active members suffer from “severe sun deprivation,” a statistic church leaders reluctantly attribute to centuries of aggressive modesty enforcement and an unfortunate habit of layering cardigans over everything, including pajamas.

“We always thought covering up was a good thing,” said Elder J. Brigham Youngblood, a senior church spokesman, at a press conference outside the Salt Lake Temple. “But it turns out all those layers—garments, ankle-length skirts, pioneer bonnets—have been blocking more than just impure thoughts.”

‘Let There Be Light’

In an effort to address what doctors are now calling “Utah Rickets”, the Church has unveiled Thong Saturday, where faithful members are encouraged to swap their full-body sacred garments for a single, barely-there thong—but only for the Lord’s health benefits.

“It’s still modest if you squint,” Elder Youngblood reassured, holding up a prototype featuring a tiny embroidered beehive (Utah’s state symbol and, apparently, a new thong accent). “And it’s only one day a week—the other six, we’re back to pioneer vibes and maximum coverage.”

The updated handbook guidelines outline a few key rules for participating in Thong Saturday:

☑️ Thongs must be white or “Celestial Beige” (gold trim is allowed for endowed members)

✅ Men’s sacred garments now available in ‘Speedo cut’ for enhanced solar absorption

☑️ Tank tops allowed—but only if they remain layered over another tank top

Mormon Toc Erupts: Social Media in a Frenzy

As expected, the announcement of Thong Saturday has set Mormon social media ablaze, particularly on “Mormon Toc”—the unofficial corner of TikTok where faithful Saints, ex-Mormons, and confused outsiders collide.

“I left the church five years ago and I NEVER thought I’d see the day where thongs were ‘church-approved,’” one user posted, alongside a reaction video with the caption, “Heavenly Father, WHAT is going on?!”

Another viral post featured a group of BYU students excitedly shopping for church-sanctioned thongs with the text overlay: “Me and the boys preparing for Celestial Sunbathing.”

Meanwhile, critics have taken to social media to voice concerns. “First one-hour church, then Monsters on campus, and now THIS?” one X user lamented. “At this rate, missionaries will be proselytizing in tank tops by 2030.”

Despite the uproar, church leaders remain steadfast. “Social media trends come and go, but Vitamin D is eternal,” Elder Youngblood quipped in a follow-up statement.

Faithful Reactions: Confusion, Excitement

The announcement has triggered a range of reactions among the faithful.

“I’ve never worn anything with less fabric than a potato sack,” admitted Sister Marjorie Platt, a 62-year-old Relief Society president from Provo, while clutching both her pearls and a Costco-sized bottle of sunscreen. “But if the Prophet says my bones need it, I’ll give it a whirl.”

Meanwhile, some members are in outright rebellion.

“This is a slippery slope,” warned Brother Ezekiel Tanner, a self-described “garment purist” from St. George. “First it’s thongs on Saturday, next it’s crop tops on Tuesday. Then iced coffee at sacrament meetings. Where does it end?”

Church leaders were quick to clarify that Thong Saturday is “purely optional” and not a commandment—yet.

“We’re not rewriting the Word of Wisdom,” Elder Youngblood said with a chuckle. **“No one’s going to check your tan lines at the temple recommend interview. But if you’re feeling a little brittle, maybe give it a try. Heavenly Father wants you glowing—inside and out.”

Retailers & Medical Professionals Weigh In

Utah retailers are already struggling to meet demand, with local stores reporting a 300% spike in thong sales.

“We sold out of everything with a waistband smaller than a hymnbook in under an hour,” said Chad Jensen, manager of Deseret Threads, a popular LDS clothing outlet. “I’ve got Sister missionaries asking for glitter options. It’s chaos.”

The medical community has also weighed in.

Dr. Linda Sunshine, an unaffiliated dermatologist, cautiously praised the initiative.

“Vitamin D is crucial, but I’d recommend 15 minutes of sunlight—not a full day of thong-clad frolicking. Also, sunscreen. Please, for the love of all that is holy, wear sunscreen.”

What’s Next?

As the first Thong Saturday approaches, Church leadership is planning a series of outdoor activities to encourage participation, including:

☀️ Sunlight Sacrament Meetings – Bishopric-approved sunbathing during hymns

💃 Vitamin D Dance Party – Featuring modest twerking to Tabernacle Choir remixes

🎣 Fishing for Converts

Whether “Thong Saturday” becomes a permanent fixture in Mormon culture remains to be seen.

For now, members are left to ponder the eternal question:

Can you sunbathe your way to the Celestial Kingdom?

Only time—and a good UV index—will tell.

My podcast this week is ‘What Warren Jeffs Taught Me About Power’, so if that sounds interesting then give it a listen.

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