Salt Lake City, UT — In a groundbreaking revelation sure to ripple through both Utah and Silicon Valley, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced this week that it will now accept tithing in cryptocurrency. Members can now pay their 10% in Bitcoin, Ethereum, or “any coin with moral utility,” according to a press release from Church headquarters. Salvation may still be free—but apparently, the transaction fee isn’t.

The announcement is part of the Church’s broader effort to modernize its already-robust financial infrastructure. According to spokesperson Brother Alan Satoshi (no relation), the new system will “allow Saints to transfer their increase faster, safer, and in a way that reflects the volatility of mortal life.”

“We’re not saying Bitcoin is the currency of heaven,” Brother Satoshi clarified, “but if it were, we’d want to be ahead of the curve.”

A More Secure Path to Salvation

Tithing can now be paid directly through the Church’s new app, PayLayAle, which includes worthiness verification, a crypto conversion tool, and push notifications to remind users that God still knows what you made this quarter.

The app integrates with major wallets and lets members choose where their tithing goes:

• General Fund
• Humanitarian Aid
• Missionary Work
• Temple Maintenance
• Second Coming Preparation Fund (beta)

There’s also a toggle switch between “Fiat Faithful” and “Crypto Consecrated.” Which is helpful—because nothing brings the Spirit like real-time price volatility.

Bishoprics and Blockchain

Stake presidents and bishops across North America have already received training on the new digital tools. During tithing settlement, members will be asked to scan a QR code and confirm their crypto reflects “net, not gross sins.”

One bishop in Draper reportedly told his ward: “We still accept cash, checks, or stocks—but for those truly living on the cutting edge of faith, we now offer the narrow path… on-chain.”

Lost Keys and Found Sheep

Naturally, people have questions. Like: What happens if you lose your crypto wallet?

“The Lord can forgive anything,” said Elder M. Russell Holdings, “but He will not restore your seed phrase.”

The official FAQ page doesn’t exactly help:

• Q: Can I pay tithing in Dogecoin? A: Only if you also believe golden retrievers are one of the lost tribes of Israel.
• Q: What if the market crashes after I pay? A: We offer debt payoff in the afterlife, but late repentance may incur interest.
• Q: Is this a sign of the end times? A: Not officially—but if an angel shows up holding a QR code instead of a trumpet, start packing.

Eternal ROI

Before we get into eternal returns, it’s worth noting: while Ethereum offers the most secure smart contracts, paying tithing with it might cost nearly as much as the sin you’re repenting for. One member reportedly paid in Dogecoin instead, claiming, “My transaction went through faster than my mission papers.”

Financial analysts have speculated that the move could balloon the Church’s already legendary portfolio, especially if the rumored internal investment fund—ZionChain—turns out to be real. Church leaders were quick to clarify this isn’t about profit. Still, they noted, “The Lord works in compound interest.”

One source claimed that anyone who tithed in Bitcoin back in 2015 may already qualify for early resurrection.

Final Word

Whether this shift expands to fast offerings, missionary funds, or celestial sealing fees remains to be seen. But one thing’s clear: in a world of digital economies and spiritual startups, the Church is staying true to its core doctrine—10% of all that thou hast, even if it’s hidden in a celestial tax shelter offshore of Kolob.

This week Kent Bull, an Ex Kingston came on my podcast. We talked about his life growing up, sexual abuse, and healing. You can watch that right here:

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