From my earliest childhood, I was taught a lofty belief: that if I conducted myself appropriately, I would become a God. Now, 25 years later, I find myself questioning whether to maintain this goal or abandon it.
Why wouldn’t one give their all in such an aspiring goal? What sacrifices would you be willing to make to achieve such a lofty ambition? Would death be too much to ask? Would every part of your day, giving your all, be too much to give? Not to me. And anybody that tried was not going to change my mind easily.
The Christian may call blasphemy for aspiring to such a position. The atheist would laugh heartily at such exertions. Philosophers might make a convincing argument to abandon such a great ambition.
But to me, none of that mattered, nor could such influences change my most righteous trajectory to Godhood. Why would I consider condescending to aspire only to sing praises to Jehovah when I could be building worlds with Him? Or such baseness as having a good life over 70-100 years, houses, great food, sex, and then die forever? I just couldn’t understand.
Is this really what “apostates” had chosen over Godhood? Why had so many taken that path and why were there so few, out of billions, willing to put in the exertion?
Childhood Beliefs
As a young boy, my mind envisioned building worlds. My dad would say, “Go look at the stars. Each one is a world created by one who was perfectly obedient to his Heavenly Father.” I envisioned such creation. I was standing on this one, this world. How did they build such a large planet? Would I be able to attain the position to help do such work, or one day be in charge of it? How would I ensure that I could obtain this? Many before me had slipped, and so many had this within their grasp and then they let it all go. Am I too resigned to go back to dust, and be put into the pot of clay to be molded again by someone who had achieved Godhood?
These questions would all be answered one way: my obedience today. My getting closer to my Heavenly Father today. My gaining the trust of my father and thus my Heavenly Father.
See, I did not just fold my laundry because it needed folding. I did not go pull weeds in the garden just because they needed pulling. Nor did I do any of my chores and duties just to be obedient. Oh no, I did them to become a God.
I did not diligently study the gospel principles because I was afraid of hell. I wanted to become a God. And I would become a God.
Look, people, let’s go back a while. I am just one year old. I watched everyone around me praying to become like God.
Then two years old. I did not know what it meant. I was learning. My mind was beginning to grasp hold of what it means to become a God. Maybe.
Now three and four years old. I can say the prayer all by myself now. But do I understand it? Am I as good as the people around me?
Why did dad call my brothers to see him, but not me? Is that a selfish thought? Do I sit silent or speak up? Is the best path to be observant and obey with all my might? Yes. Would my efforts be realized? If not by my dad, then surely by God. And then he would tell dad. Yes, I can do it. I will give my absolute best trying at least.
Pray Always
“Pray always,” dad said every day, and was echoed consistently by the mothers. That is really hard, I thought to myself. Pray always? What? Always? I tried. It was exhausting. Always? Okay, I need to listen and see what my dad says about this.
Training after training. Story after story of the Prophets. Pray always. I tried again. Always? It was exhausting.
Wait, I am only five. I do forget rather often to pray always. And I get distracted on silly things like any five-year-old. But when I remember, I pray always.
“Praying always is the yearning feeling within to become like God,” I heard one day. “Say a silent prayer often to keep that desire alive.” Ah-ha, got it, I remember thinking.
Conclusion
My point with this article is to help the reader understand just how seriously I took this at five and six years old. Yes, I was a youngster that could get silly and loud. However, everything we did was closely monitored and guided to think in this manner.
That was the start of my journey to “become a God.” And just the very start. The older I got, the more entrenched I became and simultaneously the FLDS and my dad got more and more derailed, which was very difficult to deal with and puzzle together.
In my next article on the subject “Bound by My Own Mind,” I will go deeper into my journey to become a God as I grew up to 8 years old and got baptized.
Click here to read more on my childhood when I was 1-5 years old.
Thank you for reading! I hope you will join the conversation in whatever way you feel is right for you. We all have different backgrounds in life and we are all searching for meaning and enlightenment.
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