Did I really just join a new religion? I am so fresh out of a bunch of religious bullshit. So what on earth am I thinking??
A preacher knocked at my door. “My religion can really improve your life” he explained.
“It has been a year or two since I last put my suit on. I can’t attend church,” I told the patient man who had a Godlike countenance. “Look my friend, at my church we wear shorts or sweatpants. None of this suit business. Hell, we even go shirtless at times. Women do have to have a bra.”
I could not believe my ears! What kind of preacher was this dude? I decided to attend once and see what it was all about.
So What Is This New Religion?
As I arrived, the preacher came out to meet me. “I cannot believe you actually showed up,” said the preacher as he led me inside his church.
“Holy love giving is to play pickleball each Sunday,” the preacher explained as we began dinking over the pickleball net. Questions flooded my mind. “Can this get you to the Celestial Kingdom?” I inquired. “O brother, this is the only path to get there. However, you need to be really, really devoted.”
“This is how we keep the Sabbath holy” explained another long time member of the pickleball faith, who seemed elated at the idea of my conversion. “It is amazing the joy you feel after joining. I have never been so close to God in my life.”
Getting Baptized
“So how do I join the pickleball faith?” I inquired of the preacher, who was still dinking without missing a shot. “We want you to be devoted. But I have a warning for you, many people who join cannot turn away. They just won’t leave. Thats the power of the pickle ball faith,” the preacher explained. “We have people volunteering for 3 hours daily in missionary work. So we want you to know it can be really time consuming.”
I continued dinking, questions rushing through my mind.
“Baptism into the pickleball faith is a covenant to not forget your girlfriend,” the preacher explained as I gave him a bewildered look. “We just have people forgetting, they are too focused on pickleball. It causes a lot of heartbreak.”
Another member spoke up: “I had a bit of a hard time getting my girlfriend into the pickleball faith, but now she is just as devoted as I am. It has been such a beautiful thing to watch her testimony increase daily.”
“What about if I am single?” I asked as we were going over the pickleball 10 commandments. “Being single is the best! That way you can devote more time to your new faith,” explained the preacher. “We understand you may want sex occasionally, but you’ll find pickleball very fulfilling.”
After going over the pickleball 10 commandments, the preacher explained there was just one more thing before I could consider myself baptized. “An ernie is when you jump the kitchen and wack the ball,” he told me.
“There you go, now you are baptized into the Pickleball faith!” All the members clapped, rejoicing to have another lost sheep gathered into the fold.
Do You Have To Pay Tithing?
I was extremely worried the pickleball faith wanted 10% of my money.
“Don’t worry, I spend about 20% of my money on pickleball,” a 6 year veteran of the faith told me. “As you come to know the joy in pickleball it won’t be any sacrifice at all.”
The preacher piped up: “I set aside 10% of my money for the faith. I nearly have enough to install a pickleball court in my backyard. Then I will have a better chance at converting family members. Just think, it may save them from eternal damnation!”
As I played a few games, I became more open to setting aside 10% of my money for the new faith.
Pickleball 10 Commandments
- Though Shalt Have no Other Sports Before Me Besides FootBall
- Though Shalt Not Make Unto Thee Any Tennis Courts
- Though Shalt Not Take The Name Of Pickleball In Vain
- Remember To Play Pickleball On The Sabbath
- Honor Thy Father And Mother By Convincing Them To Also Play
- Though Shalt Not Kill With Pickleballs (Still hit it as hard as you can)
- Though Shalt Not Commit Adultery Unless You Are Really Good Friends
- Though Shalt Not Steal Thy Brothers Paddle Or Ball (You can steal your sisters though!)
- Though Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Nieghbor (Don’t call an in ball out!)
- Though Shalt Not Covet (Specifically talking about other players court shoes and snacks)
How I Feel One Year Later
Having been apart of the Pickleball religion for one year, I can truly testify of the joy, peace, and fulfillment it brings. If you will join the faith, believing you shall receive, you too can come to know the joy and happiness, the inspiration and connection it can bring you!
Occasionally when I had horrible losses I considered apostasy. But remembering the joy I felt, I stayed faithful.
I admonish all who don’t take time for pickleball to join. You need something and someone in your life to look to. Reach out and partake of the light at your finger tips. You have this opportunity, don’t treat it lightly.
For all who did not realize it yet, this is satire. When I got up this morning I could not take anything seriously and decided I just gonna joke around today!
If you can’t handle my jokes read a more serious article titled What Is Our Life Mission?
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