(If you don’t get offended reading this I will absolutely take it personally. I wrote this article on polygamy to piss off polygamy lovers, feminists, and even myself all at the same time. So don’t disrespect my shit. This article is to be taken comically and these are not my literal views!)
Dad, I’m Pissed. Where’s My Wives??
DAMN, I can’t believe I’d probably have a few wives of my own if my dad didn’t go crazy.
You might wonder if I wish that was the case. Well, darn it, they might be Lizzo with the attitude of a Karen.
Same time I might of got an undercover supermodel, bundled up in an FLDS prarie dress with the sweetest heart ever.
Maybe both.
Shit, I’m taking my chances lol. One to do the dishes. One for a wife. Third is in the office!
Gosh, we’d really be rolling towards the Celestial Kingdom!
O boy, this article is going to get me in trouble if I’m not canceled already. LFG!!
I sure feel like making as many people uncomfortable as possible. No one dares say the jokes that come these days. Darn it, I ain’t living like that. Y’all chill.
Good thing I don’t have a girlfriend currently. Might dump my joking ass. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of girls out there bending over with laughter at this shit. A few fuming. Then there’s the low mids that wanna get married tomorrow.
Dear Lord, I could not help myself. After studying polygamy, and growing up in it, I decided I’m not passing up these hard core, cancellation worthy jokes.
Don’t Marry Your Cousin
Dude what am I supposed to do? I have siblings that hate polygamy, and some that love and live it. Gosh life is exciting. Don’t marry your cousin though. Low IQ shit. Seriously, studies done show IQ drops when you get too related.
When you get into the polygamy business it just happens. Hard to find a hot believer. They’re all cousins. Damn it.
God I hope I don’t catch feelings for my cousin and generate a kid. Thank satan for condoms. Or Jesus. They break sometimes. Hey bro, we all make mistakes. That big though?
Guys, these are jokes. And some are funny. Some are serious. Some will get me cancelled. But we all shit. So go eat more hot peppers. Ain’t no feelings of love when you have the squabbles. Might solve a lot of your problems.
Back to the cousin stuff. If you catch feelings, move to Southern Utah or Alabama. Embrace it. Or just tell your cousin the truth and leave.
God didn’t arrange your meeting. Dude you’re cousins. Those feelings are love shit and coincidences, not testimony. Gosh, revelation is some good stuff. Convenient in circumstances. Add some love feelings!
Spiritual and romance 🥰. Awww babe.
Why Don’t You Live Polygamy?
One of dad’s wives told us she was concerned about our testimony towards plural marriage.
Hey girl, it’s ever increasing. After watching so many women think about one dick, aww and ooo over Warren. Wet dreams that were holy. Good Lord.
Look, we all have sexual appetites. I just think it is funny to act like you don’t while so obviously expressing those feelings in whatever way your culture allows, many times unconsciously.
Lost my testimony about polygamy entirely. All the moms looked too sad. I noticed some were always on meals. I’m talking cooking for 50 people. Every. Single. Day. Others always had it better.
Bro that’s economics. Or misogyny? Still thinking that one through.
And how well has my dad taken care of my mother over the last 10 years???? Ummm that shit pisses me off.
Favorites? How dare you accuse men of God. Loooool. You thought I was getting serious didn’t you. I wasn’t. Just another joke about being right up there with Jesus.
He’s down here rolling laughing at my jokes. Probably crack a few himself, but y’all would take them as parables. Don’t be so rude to Jesus if he comes around. Especially if he’s got a few wives. Women gonna be lining up at the second coming.
What Does Joseph Smith Think?
Hey brother Joseph, is polygamy still a thing? Or did Emma not get along with Fanny over there? Eliza has to still be writing poems. I wonder if one was special for Emma. Genius right there.
Hey brother Kimball, has your hair turned gray again? That many wives has gotta be a ton of stress. Target bill must be pretty high.
Brother Brigham, would you like another? You got proxy set up for a reason.
Don’t worry, dad will be there soon. He has tips on how to control the women.
Damn I don’t know if anyone could control 80 wives like dad did. I’m telling you, some have to be concubines. Maybe that is economics.
Quick tip: A bit less of a seductive personality in the concubines.
Do you want power? Follow the unspoken rules. The rules even leaders don’t know they apply to those they rule. Because they do, perhaps unconsciously.
Conclusion
Just the fact you get so many Amazon packages is enough to roll with just one woman! Wait, if women have access to Amazon would they leave polygamy? Thats the trick, don’t let them have a phone, or at least make sure they are super financially dependent on you.
If you’re LDS and didn’t laugh, you’re turning gay. Up the testosterone bro. Joseph and Brigham would offer me a second and third if they read this. You’re thinking about denying me baptism! Come on bro
“A man of God does not joke around like this.” Gosh have you ever met me? Revelation flows.
I love women. Wish they didn’t leave hair in the shower. But the cooking makes up the difference. O shit, wrong joke. Again.
Who taught you to poop in the toilet and not under a tree?? Evolution or God? I’ll ask Eve. Maybe serpents aren’t too bad after all.
If you laughed all the way through this article then you should go have a threesome with your cousin and Uncle. Unbearable dick jokes for the holy. Oops. Now give me the Nobel Peace Prize for my ability to piss everyone off. Congratulations on understanding some shit.
Thanks for reading! You would also enjoy this article titled, I Joined A New Religion!
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