I’ve had multiple people message me asking how to help a friend leave a cult—specifically someone in the FLDS. It’s a question I care about deeply.
I love to answer. And all I can do is look back at myself—remember the hundreds of conversations people tried to have with me. But I was stuck up. I wouldn’t listen.
They could see what I could not.
And that’s most likely the case if you’re dealing with a cult member. You can see what they can’t.
It’s hard. But what’s even harder is jumping into their shoes and finding a weak spot from the inside. Then stepping back out and cracking the code.
Planting the Seed
Let me tell you one of the first things that ever made me question my father—albeit very little, and only with a ton of guilt.
He accused my brother, when we were 13, of serious immorality. I knew it wasn’t true. But in the end, I stuck with my dad.
That planted a seed of doubt in me.
You don’t plant the seed. IT HAS ALREADY BEEN PLANTED. You water it. But first, you have to find it.
Suppose someone had asked me about that when I was 13 years old. Just asked. That seed would’ve sprouted, and I might’ve been gone from the FLDS five years sooner.
Not only did no one ask me about it—people would’ve condemned me for even wondering.
“This doesn’t make sense. I think your brother’s a really good person.”
That’s it.
Five years later, something similar happened. An FLDS boy had tried to do his best—but he got kicked out. Banned from church.
The person he turned to? An LDS bishop we happened to be doing some work for. The bishop told me the story and asked one simple question:
“If he really was trying to do his best, why was he pushed out?”
The seed that got planted when I was 13? It sprouted that day. Because I couldn’t stop thinking that exact same thing—not just about my brother, but about multiple people including myself.
I didn’t leave for another five years. But I started to allow myself to ask questions.
Sometimes Confrontation Is Better Than Being Nice
People love to be right. And nothing will change their minds—except pain.
If someone is deep in a cause, sometimes you have to jolt them. They may not be your friend for a long time after. So reserve this approach for situations where you won’t be seeing them much anyway.
“Warren Jeffs had sex with a 12-year-old girl. Are you going to let that happen to your daughter?”
Short. To the point. Nobody remembers a paragraph. They remember that sentence.
They’ll block it out. Suppress it. Do mental gymnastics to forget it.
But a year later, when their child is being taken to “Zion”? They’ll remember.
When they see a man sent away from his family forever? They’ll remember.
When a mother has to let her kids go because someone was “unworthy”? They’ll remember.
When they finally break through the wall of limited logic—the idea that “the prophet does right”—they’ll thank you. It’s not always the best strategy, but if your access to them is limited, say the thing that matters.
It’ll pay dividends.
Think in Years, Because They Aren’t
The confrontation point is about planting something they’ll carry for years.
But other strategies require more care—and more long-term thinking.
When I texted my ‘apostate’ brothers, they were always there for me.
They never said, “Warren Jeffs is evil,” or “leave your cult.”
They didn’t go the confrontation route.
Every time I got put in a bad situation, they texted back.
Every time I treated them poorly, they treated me well.
Because they knew it wasn’t my character—it was my struggle.
After three years?
I said, “You know, maybe it’s time to have a conversation. Maybe—ugh—I hate to admit it—but maybe they’re right.”
Patience wins.
Because kindness always draws people back to you.
And every time they come back, they see a little further beyond the insanity that is all they’ve ever known.
Praise Their Intellect When They Question Something
Even the most humble, chill people still love praise.
If someone says,
“I’m struggling with the fact that we can’t get married. I love our religion, but it feels like it’s been too long.”
Most people respond with something like:
“That’s crazy. We can do whatever we want. You should join us.”
But they already know that.
Here’s a response more likely to move them forward:
“That’s odd—and it seems to me you’ve got a very intellectual mind that sees beyond being controlled.”
Give that person credit.
Because it takes effort to think something you’ve been taught never to think.
They already know it doesn’t make sense. But now they’re being praised for asking a forbidden question?
They’ll start asking more.
It Was Always Their Idea to Leave
Helping someone leave is not about saying,
“See? I told you it’s better out here.”
Keep praising their intellect.
If someone says,
“I’m thinking about leaving, but it just doesn’t sit right yet.”
Don’t say:
“Oh, you’ll make the right decision. I promise you won’t regret it.”
It’s not wrong—it’s just not enough.
People on the edge of leaving need reassurance.
They want to feel like they are making the right choice, but they need praise to really feel it.
Try this:
“New territory is always scary—but I’m so inspired by your ability to consider a new path. If you choose it, I’ll support you, and I can’t wait to see you live your full potential.”
Conclusion
Planting a seed is natural. Watering it takes work—and patience.
If you’re unsure of your strategy, choose this: Be kind, and keep the door open.
When they tell you about their pain—or especially when they ask a forbidden question—praise their intellect. Not with flattery, but sincerely. That kind of affirmation is rare in a cult. And it feels good.
If you’re losing hope and any connection, leave them with a truth they’ll remember.
Pick one clear line. One that sticks. Something they’ll carry years down the road.
It’s always their idea to leave.
You’re just the one cheering when they start walking.
Understand: these people are usually living in deep mental conflict. And safety—for them—is going back home.
“You’ll make the right decision.”
That’s fine.
But add this:
“I’m so inspired by your ability to consider a new path.”
It makes all the difference.
Love. Praise. Truth. In that order.
Because if a cult member doesn’t feel love and praise from you,
they won’t accept your truth—no matter how right you are.
This week I talk about how the FLDS are moving to North Dakota. Watch that right here!
You would also enjoy this article: The Dark Truth I Discovered When I Had Nothing to Die For
Last week my podcast was with Amanda Rae, a girl who escaped the Kingston Cult and was on the show ‘Escaping Polygamy.”
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