In a small town on the edge of a wide river lived a 12-year-old boy who always seemed to be an outcast.

As he grew, he tried to make friends but could never seem to keep them.
Friends came and went, and the loneliness stayed.
When he got older, he wanted a girlfriend—
but they came and went all the same.

He watched his relatives fall in love and get married.
Life wasn’t easy. One winter, some friends promised him a trip to the ski resort.
He packed his bag, showed up early—
and they left without him.

After that, something in him closed.
Real friends came, but he didn’t believe in them.
He kept everyone at arm’s length.
Too afraid to be left behind again.

His depression deepened. So one early summer day,
he climbed onto a raft and floated a thousand miles down the river.
And in the smooth parts, he wrote this:

All I wanted was to hear from you

But silence is all your beauty drew
It curled inside the sweetest air,
A quiet hint that you’re not there

I don’t like loneliness but it’s all I get
I attract it like a silent regret
I smell it when the flowers bloom
By ocean breeze and a bright sky moon

It hides in things that should feel right,
Then lingers long into the night.
I can’t handle your steady love
I silence it like I’d shoot a dove

No memories fade from my warm heart
But the future is statue and you’re just art
Still framed in what we’ll never be,
Untouched by time, yet imagined by me.

Please bring more longing and silent prayer
I only see clouds in this cold mountain air
Come too easy I’ll break you down
Take too long and I’ll give you a crown

Run far from me, I yearn for you

Too close and I have nothing to do
Rocks stay still, and so do you
Why can’t you love me, I’ve got no clue

I thought you’d come but if you did
I’d have found another who would not give
But oh my heart aches like a cut
Rough scratches in this painful rut

O love please stay so far away
My heart can’t have your vibrations sway
But oh I long for love complete
I love the girl who hits delete

No God is there, no god for me
If he was here I’d leave him be
He’d only watch me come undone,
I’d call it love, then turn and run

No sunset smiles are in my mood
But sunrise is, but no breakfast food
Just morning light on empty plates,
Another day that hesitates.

I’m crying now, it’s all so fake
Love runs in circles and I have no escape
Each promise bends then folds in two,
A loop I trace instead of you.

O God almighty rescue me
I’m now a diamond from pressured trees
I cracked where no one thought to see,
And turned to stone so silently.

No blanket now, I love the cold

Leave my war secrets left untold
They burn much cleaner in the frost,
Where no one asks what they have cost.

Sharp sword is on my mind and neck
It keeps you distant and my love in check
One move too soft, and I might bleed—
So I stay too cruel and hide my need.

Cut my heart is what I said
Break down my walls of untold red
But you just smiled and walked around,
Afraid to touch forbidden ground.

Goodbye, you’ll never know my pain
It hurts in spiraling Everglades
Where silence floods and willows bend,
And every echo is my end.

That distant sound, your silent voice
The one I knew couldn’t be my choice
But still it clung like smoke to skin,
A whisper I kept breathing in.

Goodbye goodbye, O sweetheart dear
I loved as long as you were nowhere near
You were perfect in my distant dream,
I chose you because you’d stay upstream.

This week I had Katie Fischer on my podcast, an xFLDS member who loved music and wanted to learn so she went to college. We talk about her journey leaving, music in the FLDS, and how she is doing now!

You would also enjoy this article:My Squirrel’s Lonely Aching Heart

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I did a podcast this week with Amanda Rae from the Kingston Group. Check that out on her channel right here: (We did one for my channel, uploading next week!)